Finals Week what up!? Today’s Sunday but finals technically started this past Friday — I believe it was just a few select Chemistry classes that had their final then. Poor schmucks. As for me, I’m lucky enough to have three of my four finals take home. How I’m doing on all these papers I have to write, though? Kind of terribly. I’ve been using up just about all my free time (when I’m not sleeping) working on my History final. I’m only half-way done and it’s due tomorrow, and then I have three papers to write. One for Philosophy (the death of me) and two for English. Theoretically I’m only rewriting one of my two papers for English, but I did so badly on the first draft of it (I got a C) that I’m thinking about starting from scratch. I have nothing else to say and I need to come up with another thousand words! 

In other news, I’ve been working so much! I’m tired. Not so tired as of right this moment because I had a lively morning, but overall, in the grand scheme of things: I am tired. I have two jobs and while I love both of them, they stress me out, and when I’m at either one of them, there are so many other things I would rather be doing. I’ve closed at Barnes & Noble every day this week since Tuesday. That takes a toll on you. Luckily I didn’t have school on Friday. I was so stressed out though that I spent a couple of hours that day shopping. Retail therapy anyone? My life is sad. The next time I feel so stressed out that I want to spend money, I should go for a run instead. 

Speaking of working out, I’ve been meaning to… But I might make it a summer thing. I’m just a week away from the finish line as it is. I had such a hard time working out my summer schedule because I’m still going to be working two jobs and then also taking summer classes at two different schools. It is so complicated I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I need to get a new planner because mine is falling apart and I’m losing track of the days! Gah! I had to submit three different availability sheets to Barnes & Noble (the manager who makes the schedule certainly wasn’t pleased with that, I don’t think; she gave me 5.5 hours for the first week of my new availability), separated in two-week intervals. Hard knock life, but I’m getting more hours at the optometry office, so there’s that. 

Changes in my life: I’ve rekindled the burning flame of love I have for Carolina and Christine, two of the best friends I’ve ever had. And maybe Steven, too? To a certain extent for him. I’ll definitely recap the days I’ve hung out with all of them (on separate occasions, of course), filled with pictures and lovely commentary! Right now though, I just wanted to give a brief recap of what’s been going down, up, and all around. I’ve also been missing my boys, Matty and Jimmie. I’ve been missing Alex, Brandon, and Katelin, too, but in a different way. With them, I feel as though I might miss them, but I wouldn’t really change anything. As in, I wouldn’t want them back in my life so much, or you know, at all. But I’ve found myself thinking about them lately, just in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and wonder if I could have made some better decisions to change the course of my personal history.

Then I wake up, watch the news over breakfast (which I’ve recently begun doing again when I have time, which is actually more often than not thankfully, and I’ve also rekindled my passion for current affairs and politics in this way), and live my life happy as a clam. Except for when I’m exhausted out of my mind or have to work with the one person in all of our 50-person staff at Barnes & Noble who I don’t particularly care for. Her name’s Alicia and if I mention her again, it’ll be under the pseudonym “half-breed.” (Pause for laughter… My own, obviously.) I only call her that because I stalked her Facebook once and apparently someone else at the store had called her a half-breed and she was really upset about it (I think she was having a bad day and that “insult” was something of the icing on the cake, so to speak). To me, it’s just so funny that someone else would think to call her that, and more so, that it really bothers her. Goodness. Anyway, as the case stands, I rarely dislike people so when someone is that awful (and this is at Barnes & Noble, where I’m defaulted to love everybody and everything because I love working there that much), you must have something or other clearly wrong with you. 

She’s also bipolar. 

Why do I get so bored? Why can’t I just find a love that’s worth the wait instead of wasting time? 

I went to the club for the first time last night! It was nothing like what I expected. I can’t entirely tell you what it was that I did expect, but my goodness… It almost put me off the whole clubbing scene altogether. It’s a long story and I’ll start from the beginning.

Yesterday, the 12th, I was having a bad day. One of those days that is just bad from the moment you wake up, and there’s not really anything you can do to feel better. Admittedly, it was all my fault for not waking up on time, and thus not being able to take a shower or have my coffee and being late to work, but nothing would turn around for the better. It also happened to be my registration date for Skyline Summer and Fall 2012 classes, and so I had to register during my “lunch” break from the optometry office, and it was so stressful. I couldn’t figure anything out, and I had to keep helping patients even though I wasn’t being paid for that time. It was so irritating — I hate staying in the office during my break because it’s never an actual break. Anyway, the registration process itself was rather trying because I’m still enrolled at CCSF and I registered for a summer class there that was just supposed to be a back up, but I think I’m going to keep it just to get the requirement out of the way because why not? Unfortunately though, I ended up registering for my summer class at CSM, instead of Skyline, and I was debating on dropping it (COMM 110: a Speech class) and taking it in the Fall at the right campus, but I really want to take Speech and don’t want to wait, but it’s also a night class and I’m thinking that may be social suicide for the summer… I sound as though my mind’s already made up, but I don’t know, I really want to take it still, and all the ones at Skyline are full. Oh, education. 

Back to my story though, I was having a stressful time registering also because I couldn’t get into a Stats class because since I’m a transfer, they don’t know what my prerequisites are, even though I’ve brought my transcripts to the counseling office. I guess it needs to be turned into Admissions. Whatever. Since I was doing that during my lunch-break, I couldn’t eat, and I hadn’t since the night before, and more importantly, I hadn’t had any coffee, and really I just wanted to die. I eventually had to leave the office to get some coffee, and Dr. Julie had been nice enough to bring us donuts that morning, and Melanie, my coworker, let me have the bigger, custard-filled one. (If you’re unaware, custard-filled donuts are my very favorite kind of donut.) However, though this was nice, I just felt so tired of all the nonsense going on in my life at the moment that I sort of took it out on the optometry office, hating my job and wanting to quit. (Even though I actually love my job and am so grateful for being able to sit in a chair for six/seven hours a day a couple of times a week and getting paid $10.25 an hour for it.) I just felt really unappreciated, I guess, because I was so stressed out over everything and I wasn’t really given a break. 

I felt like I was trying my hardest and sacrificing a lot just to be there, and I wasn’t really getting any recognition for it. 

Besides that, things on the Kanu-front were almost done and over with. So fast, I know. It’s just that when I saw him on Friday, I knew that that all I liked was the idea of him, and how he was on the basketball team, and the connections I would be able to make if we were together, and how much attention he was giving me. It was never him. As terrible as that sounds. I could tell because I kind of realized I didn’t want anything to do with him, and as we were walking together after class, I was right in that all he liked about me was how I looked. He’s one of those guys that opens the door for you just to look at your retreating figure. I could feel his eyes on my bare legs and I felt so naked. 

But, I didn’t care about Kanu because the same Friday, I messaged this guy in my English class on Facebook about this assignment he’d missed because he told me a while back that he got a scholarship to Kentucky State that would be rescinded if he didn’t pass English 1B, and so I was telling him that he wouldn’t be able to pass unless he did the paper, and he could still turn it in even though it was late. I’ve kind of been interested in him for a while, without ever recognizing it. (I used to think I wanted him to like me, but I guess somewhere along the line, I was starting to like him, even before I’d ever spoken to him.) So we were talking for a little while, but I kept being put off by the fact that he doesn’t talk to me in person (I understand though because I don’t talk to him either and we both have our own friends in that class), and more so, that he won’t ask me for my number! I even hinted at it, too! He ended up just saying, “You can text me then.” But he never gave me his number! Gah! Who does that?! 

So on Saturday, when Rhenzie texted me asking me if I wanted to go clubbing, I practically jumped on the invite. At least it would be something to look forward to after the long day I had at the office. I got home and basically started my day over. I took a shower, I had coffee (and a coke, for that matter — I expected I’d need the caffeine), I cleaned my room, I ate a real meal, I relaxed, and then I finally got ready. Before meeting up with Rhenzie though, I thought I’d need to go to Barnes & Noble first to pick up my check so I wouldn’t have to go today (Sunday), but they were incredibly busy and I had to wait for quite the while. And then of course I got lost a grand total of 17 times before I finally got to Rhenzie’s house. 

When I got there, I met Rhenzie’s friend, Alexis, from Skyline who was caked in make-up, but rather pretty in the way Filipinos are. I told her she looked ridiculously familiar, though, and she did, though I’m sure I’ve never seen her before, and she said that it’s possible I’ve seen someone look like her before or have even seen her before, considering how small Daly City is. I picked the two of them up and then we went to a different part of Daly City (because Rhenzie lives on the Pacifica borderline) to pick up my ex-coworker from Crazy 8, Davina. From there, the four of us went to San Francisco to make our way to Horizon, a club in the North Beach/Telegraph Hill district of the city. Before we made it to the club, though, we had to make a pit stop so Davina could use the bathroom. But we couldn’t find an open place anywhere, and so while Davina and Rhenzie roamed the streets in search for a bathroom, Alexis and I drove in circles, getting lost once or twice and wondering how Rhenzie and Davina made it so far on legs. 

By the time we got to the club, after looking for parking for a little bit, I was strangely disappointed. I guess I expected a club like all those pictures I’d seen: crowded bodies squished together under neon lights and skimpy outfits and a big area for dancing and darkness. What I found instead was a dance-floor shaped in a U around the bar, separated in half by a rope where on one side were the 21-and-overs, and on the other, where we were stuck, the 18-and-up, and worst of all, I found a lot of space. A lot of empty space. On our side, there were really no people dancing. I told Rhenzie it reminded me of a middle school dance, where we were all too shy to ask our crushes to dance, or didn’t know how. It was embarrassing. Alexis, whose idea it was to go to this particular club, kept repeating how bad she felt, and how the last time she went, it was so much better.

It did eventually get better, but it took too long, and even then, it wasn’t worth all of the trouble. Too many guys paid us too much attention; too many guys tried dancing with me or asking me to dance with them. I didn’t dance with any guys though. I intended on it, but when I got there, I became so introverted and just decided that there was no one in the lounge that I wanted to be truly anywhere near me. I wanted the boy in my English class, and truthfully couldn’t stop thinking about him, especially as I said no to guys for really no reason. The other girls told everyone I was too shy, and it was believable, I guess. I got called innocent twice, and a lot of people didn’t even believe I was eighteen. 

There was an after-party but I’ve had my share of house parties to understand that I don’t like them, more so if I’m not drinking. And then you add to the fact that I wouldn’t know anyone but the few people I met that night? No, thank you. On top of that, I was tired. I would have gone because I believed the girls didn’t have any other way of getting there, and in its own way, it was on the way back home for me, but it ended up that they could get a ride from Alexis’ friend, Peter, who was the host of the event at Horizon. 

I did, for the record, give my number to one person. It’s not like I had any intention of ever talking to him again, but I felt like I should, just to end the night in a somewhat accomplished manner. His name was Jurii and he was nothing special, but as I sat next to him, I liked the feeling of his hand on my hip, and how he didn’t force himself on me, shaking my hand as I left him instead of anything far more scandalous. Originally I planned on just giving him a fake number, or changing a single digit, but I think I would have felt bad, and he seemed nice enough that I knew he wouldn’t really push anything if I didn’t text him back (as I haven’t). It was for the novelty above everything else. 

I finally got home after wasting a shit-ton of gas and fell asleep right away, and stayed sleeping until 1pm the next day. To say I was exhausted would be a ghastly understatement. Really I think it was being tired from the entire week that finally caught up to me as that was the first time in weeks I’ve been able to sleep in so late. It was pretty glorious, I’m not going to lie. 

The experience was definitely one I’m glad I had, though, for sure. 

God, it feels amazing to start over. To begin anew is something I’ve almost depended on as this year has progressed. How many times have I abandoned someone, something, or someplace to make a name for myself in a new environment? I went to a new school, a new house, made new friends, got a new job, and now look at my prospects. I don’t have almost any of the same friends, I’m transferring to a new school next semester, I got a new job and a new phone, and to top it all off, here I am with a new blog, after having the same one for more than three years. 

What’s funny is that I don’t regret a single thing. I’ve certainly made my share of mistakes since I’ve graduated high school, but as the cliche stands, it’s not a mistake if you learn from it. Truth be told, I’ve done quite a lot of learning as of late, too. 

But I don’t want to talk about the past. I’d rather talk about the present, and how interesting my life has become in this last month of the semester! 

So, yesterday, May 9th, the strangest thing happened to me. There’s this guy in my Physics class who asked me to study with him and probably used that as an excuse to get my number, but I’m still holding him accountable for studying with me (and we have plans to this Monday). The funny thing is that the previous Friday, we had our first interaction and I thought I behaved abominably toward him. He asked me if I was in class that day, and I straight out pretended I didn’t know him. (Of course I knew him, he’s the tallest person in class and sort of hard to miss, though I didn’t know his name or anything of that sort.) I don’t know why I did that; I guess I wanted him to think I was cool. Instead, I came off as cold. I felt really bad that I was so indifferent and rather short with him, and even felt so guilty that I went after him (knowing he would be where all the athletes can be found: the Wellness Center) with the idea that I could let him know where our teacher’s office was so he could get his test from her (as that was what his purpose was for talking to me at all: to find out whether or not she had passed back our last midterm), but as I approached him, I found he was on the phone and so I walked right by him too shy to say anything. By the time I saw him again on my way out of the Wellness Center, I felt it would be too awkward to say something so I resigned myself to feeling guilty and ashamed all weekend. 

Nothing happened on Monday, so I let the encounter go as a mistake that I felt I’d paid for (I had a very bad close that Friday night, and attributed it to karma getting back at me for how I behaved earlier in the day), and went on with life. I believed nothing would happen again on Wednesday (I have Physics, the class I share with this guy, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), because at that point, what would happen, right? So imagine my surprise when I’m walking deliberately and carefully down stairs at school (it was my first time wearing my brand new pair of wedges) after Physics and he calls, “Excuse me.” Typically, I wouldn’t even turn around, believing for one, that I didn’t know enough people to warrant the attention of anyone and two, that if someone who was trying to call for me specifically that I wanted to talk to would have called me by name — anyone else would only try to ask for my phone number or compliment me or altogether make me feel uncomfortable. But for some reason, this time I did glance back. Maybe my subconscious recognized his voice. I’ll never know. In any case, I stopped, turned around, and we began walking and talking, apparently having our next class somewhat in the same area. I was comfortable with him right away, trying profusely to make up for the bad impression I made a few days earlier. (I also think it has to do with working in retail — you have to become best friends with everyone you meet in the few minutes you have as you’re performing a transaction to verify their return to your store.) But it was really nice, and he’s really nice, and some of his friends saw him walking with me and they complimented him on… Well, on me. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that because of course it’s never happened to me before. 

As we would text over the next forty-eight or so hours, initially I believed he might only be interested in me so as to show me off to his friends seeing as they’d been impressed with just his presence in mine, and as we made plans to study together on Monday, he made a point to make sure I would meet him in the Wellness Center after his practice. But I suppose as the texts progressed, he seemed better than that. Mostly I have no idea if this will lead to anything but a couple of study dates, if just that much, because really, I don’t know if I like him, but I guess I’m intrigued. More than that, I mostly don’t know what he, a six-foot-plus basketball star, even wants to do with a slightly homely and considerably dorky girl like me. He has no idea what he’s in for, but maybe he, whose name is Kanu, by the way, is weighing his options just like everyone else (though here is where I point out that I should be a priority, not an option, but in all honesty, I’m not altogether invested enough to care so much). 

But I will tell you that my heart does beat the tiniest fraction every time I read a text with his name at the top. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Set me free, leave me be.